#writing · Photography · Travel · Uncategorized

Missing Home

it always felt like Home with you.

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Now i’m missing my familiarity. My sense of belonging and comfort. But maybe my home wasn’t right for me.  I guess Only you know.

and there’s nothing I can do to get it back. That’s the worst part.

Scratch that

the worst part is not knowing if you were just using me, to have some company or just another hand to hold, or if you truly did feel something like home and belonging with me. If I was *special* to you.

That. That is the worst part.

WHY?

I want to shout this from the rooftops.

I’ve definitely shouted this in my room.

Why why why why whyw whywhywhyw hwy why whyw whyw hwywhywhywhwy hwywhwywhywhwyw                         why.

It’s probably better off not knowing honestly. Save me from more heartbreak. Now I know to protect myself from men/boys like you. When I get that gut feeling next time, knowing that he won’t ever commit to me, I’ll know to step away.  I will put my hands defiantly out in front of me and say “NO THANK YOU,”

“not this heart. This is not yours for the taking.”

And yeah, maybe I seem insane for writing this. But if you, boy, ever read this, it confirms my suspicions that you actually do still care. And if you don’t, then it confirms my other suspicions that you never did.

For my own sake I hope you don’t read this. Because then it makes perfect sense why you were able to walk away from whatever we had after so many months.

so goodbye to all that

goodbye to the good memories

goodbye to the times when we would barely talk for days at a time and I thought you were mad at me

goodbye to the days i didn’t think i could be any happier

goodbye to the day we met, when I knew I wanted a slice of happiness with you

goodbye to every little bit of being you gave to me.

I give it back to you.

Goodbye.

 

 

#writing · Photography · Travel · Uncategorized

Plants = Happiness

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While living in the dorms, it’s very difficult to keep plants alive. From the horrible sunlight, to a small and cramped room, to leaving for weeks at a time, I’ve tried my best. And they’ve all died. Even the piece of bamboo that was supposed to be good luck..

Since I will be moving into a house this coming school year, I thought it would be best to try my green thumb one more time, or see if it really isn’t there. Thus my succulent garden was born. I started with a cute planter box from Target, and went to Home Depot yesterday to try and find a couple small succulents I like. I was overjoyed to find they had a whole section dedicated to folks like me who obsess over the tiny green plants. And right next to it was my other favorite section: the jungle plants. Small fig tree plants as well as some ferns, I was in heaven. I limited myself though, because I wouldn’t want to waste so much money if they’re just going to die on me.

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So I settled on three of my favorites. A little bit of green and a pop of bright watermelon red. I’m hopeful for their growth. As I am also hopeful for my own personal growth over the summer. This past year I’ve changed so much, but I still feel I can spread my roots farther and grow taller. I have learned to love myself more; that is a daily struggle. I have been learning to find the things that truly make me happy, which are not always the same as others’. I thought I had found some of that happiness in another person, but it seems they did not want to grow in the same way I wanted to.

I have been able to bond with friends over God’s beauty and love, and those are some of the closest relationships I’ve had yet. Buying these succulents and watching them grow might seem boring or insignificant to some, but it’s something I thoroughly enjoy. And it’s a small slice contributing to my daily happiness.

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I will keep you updated on their progress, and leave a comment if you have any tips for watering or fertilizing strategies.

I still need name suggestions!

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@kaetlyn.anne

@krupcake

@dreaming_outloud

#writing · Photography · Travel · Uncategorized

13 Reasons Why . . . And More

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The feel of your hand against mine. The smell of old books as I flip through the pages of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Smiling as the sun peaks through the clouds, bringing life and warmth back into my skin.

I have aspirations for this lifetime. I have moments that I cherish, and reasons why I choose to wake up every day and seek happiness. I seek it. It’s not always found. But I know that it’s right around the corner.

I want to study Vincent van Gogh’s paintings. Roll in the grass and run through huge sunflower fields.  I want to feel as my eardrums split in two and go numb from the sheer volume of thumping concerts. To slow-dance by myself in the living room, as a record slowly turns.

Shopping for bouquets of delicious smelling flowers for my own enjoyment, to laughing at 10pm in the grocery story as friends and I buy the necessary ingredients for chocolate brownies.

Strolling around the pond my grandmother grew up on, listening to her tell me stories of forgotten times. How the cows would wade through the water and snack on the grass; how she and her brother used a horse to pull the “perfect sitting rock” from one side of the pond to the other. She tells me she wonders if it’s still there. One day she will not be around to tell me these stories.

Watching as my brother grows up from the curly-haired three year old who shared his goldfish crackers, to the day his 6′ 2″ frame strides across the stage in cap and gown, graduating from high school.

Snuggling up with my twelve year old dog, breathing in her puppy scent one more time.

These moments make life worth living. There are far more than 13 reasons why life is so wonderful. Life is not perfect. I have had my fair share of challenges, and I know others have had more. But this life is precious, and should be lived fully and wildly and thriving and as a shooting star bursting through the sky.

These are the moments I live for.

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@_annalouise_

@katiemoyer

@emilyblincoe

Photography · Uncategorized

Does Time Heal?

Time seems to stand still while you’re waiting for life to change. You’ll want to freeze time. In this instant, right here right now, because it feels so good. You don’t want it to end. To savor it, ingrain every detail into your mind so you can always come back to it, like it’s never truly over.

Or maybe, you want this time SO DESPERATELY TO BE over. The pain seeps in to you and all you can do is rock with the motion, trembling with agony. Let this be over! To reach out and press the fast forward button, close your eyes and wait until the train hurtles off the tracks.

I want to know what makes time tick. Do the clocks control time? Because time always seems to be going too fast when I’m enjoying pleasant company. The hours tick by like seconds when I’m with the right person. Or I’m driving to something important; time seems to slip between my fingers like slimy glue. I can’t hold it, can’t make it stop.

Time seemed to stop when my parents announced to my brother and I that they were getting a divorce. Everything seemed to stop. That moment is stuck, lodged inside my brain like a piece of lettuce between the teeth. I want to erase it; pick at that piece of lettuce until the taste of the bitter salad has disappeared.

All the tears in my life, pain, suffering, even that time at the junior prom when nobody asked me to slow dance.

I can do without it all.

I will throw away my clocks. I don’t want time to control me.

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@_annalouise_

@katiemoyer

@emilyblincoe

Photography · Travel

Fake Social Media

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I often dream that I’m missing out on things.

It always seems that I’m not apart of important conversations, intellectually stimulating moments, or just missing out on people enjoying themselves.

This mainly comes from the persona that comes with social media. It’s literally living life through a lens. Of rose colored glasses. I am constantly opening my phone and pressing my thumb to the social media apps.

Refresh

Refresh

Refresh

There are always new updates of people posting who they’re hanging out with, laughing about a hilarious moment while studying, or their amazing view while traveling. Whether or not I’m consciously thinking about it, I envy them a little.

Ecclesiastes 4:4                                                           And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

This envy or jealousy is not healthy. God has provided everything for me. He has blessed my life in so many ways, but it seems so easy to get caught up in analyzing everyone else’s lives and their blessings. I often catch myself having thoughts such as, “but why can’t I have their blessings? Lucky them!!”

That’s the thing about social media though. People post the good, not the bad. We choose to post the highlights of our life. We want others to see how wonderful certain moments are, so we share those. We don’t see when others are suffering or are in pain. We see their lives through rose-colored glasses.

We need to remind ourselves that everyone is human. Everyone has good and bad days. We cannot put others up on a pedestal, believing that they’re perfect or close to it. Sometimes it is so difficult to imagine that everyone else is constantly thinking, having conscious thoughts, just as I do. They watch me as I cross the campus, have a thought about me possibly, and then move on with their day. They plan out their schedule for their week, work on studying for exams or projects, and have extracurriculars. It is insane to think that everyone is that complex. But it’s true. Everyone is. With that being said, we’re all just human.

“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.” – John Green

Overall, I’ve learned that I’m not missing out on the things I thought were so great. Often, it’s more boring than I could’ve ever imagined. So don’t worry if you see others laughing in a snapchat video, or an image of a group of friends out on a Saturday. It might’ve been staged, and those smiles could be fake.

Keep living life to make yourself happy. Post the things that bring you joy. I love social media too, and am constantly on it. Just remember that everyone else is posting the “good”, and that there’s more to life, including your own, than those social media apps.

IG – grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@nathanaelbillings

@katiemoyer

@thequickjourney

Photography · Travel

The Sunday Slump

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Sunday Slump: (noun)
Feeling as though adventure is nonexistent, only dreadful work awaits your future.

The Sunday Slump hits like a brick wall. It might not even hit on an actual Sunday. I feel the overwhelming sense that the day or week will not be my cup of tea. I want to curl up in one of the vibrant hammocks I saw in Belize and wait until the work I have to do walks away. There are no travels in my future, just work. And not the good kind. I get the sleepy, bored, anxious feeling. Knowing that all I want is to go and explore. Climbing mountains, sleeping beneath stars, listening to the crickets and birds as they call out to one another. Staying in one place creates an uncomfortable feeling for me. I feel that I’m wasting time, not seeing the wonders of the world.

Capturing these moments when I do have a chance to spend time in nature is calming for me. These times I feel closest to God, and am amazed at the beauty He has created. When I am in these Sunday Slumps, I’m able to reflect back on those times, edit the photos, and revel in their beauty.

Almost every single night I wish that I was instead sleeping out underneath the trees, starlight in my eyes.

Instagram connects me back to this world. As I scroll through my feed, I am reminded of all of the beautiful places that are attainable to me. It’s encouraging to hear from so many photographers, @michaelflugstad, @adventureconwards, just to name a few, that it doesn’t cost much a lot of times to go out and explore. It’s about saving costs, and focusing on spending time out in nature. Watching their vlogs as well is an even better way that connects my ideas with realities. To see people my age out there exploring the world is inspiring. They’re putting in work to make sure they meet their goals, and explore the world at the same time. These are the type of people I often look up to.

I’m sure I will look back on this time in my life and be grateful for it. Right now though it can be difficult. I want to feel the wind through my hair as I roll the window down, the car bumping through the backroads of the Badlands. For now I’ll have to settle for my hair getting messed up on the way to class. Finding the motivation to work on school can be challenging at times, but I know my goal of graduating will help me work hard.

My next step is planning trips for the future. I’m hopeful they will occur sooner than I think. Let me know if you have any suggestions on places in the Badlands to hike to or camp at!

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites-

@zacharymatenchuk

@nwnatives

@stevestrehl

Photography · Travel

I Yearn to Travel

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Bumpy road, old tires rumbling over the rocks. Bright morning sunlight streaming in through the windows of the Creamsicle colored VW bus. The white lace curtains swing back and forth as the bus rocks in motion, chugging up the hill. I glance over at my speckled grey Australian Shepherd, lounging on the beat-up passenger seat next to me. Her snout leaning out the bus window, inhaling the dusty road. Her eyes intently fixed on the passing cactus, searching for small rodents to hunt. My hand reaches for the radio dial, turning it up as the sweet guitar plucking reaches our ears. 

This is what I dream for. To spend my days traveling, going to places like Zion National Park, Mt. Rainier, or Yosemite. I yearn to explore and see with my own eyes the places that I’ve heard so much about from Youtube videos, Pinterest pins, and how-to articles telling me the best ways to camp or where exactly to travel to.

There is so much I want to see in this world. A plethora of back-roads, mountains, rivers and streams, cultures, food to shock my taste buds, the list goes on. I have a hunger, a craving, to explore. I dream of the day I can live out of a van, welcoming all of the struggles that come with it.

I struggle with being content in the “now.” Being in school, working towards my degree, is a wonderful privilege I have, that I am extremely grateful for. But there’s always the part of me that wishes I was traveling, exploring the unknowns of the world. At least, they’re unknown to me. I want to hike up to the mountain peak to see sunset, or wake up in the early morning hours. To brush the dew off of the tent as I slowly unzip it, the only sounds the birds awakening, sip warm cider, and watch as the orange brilliance rises over the horizon. These moments, I have imagined in my head. I’ve seen them in movies. Now I want to experience them for myself. To see if it’s really all what they say it is. Because I believe it’s every bit as wonderful as I’ve imagined.

For now, I create lists, Pinterest boards, and hang wonderful photography images up in my room to inspire me. I will get there. It might not be right now, but some day.

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites:

@andrewtkearns

@adventureconwards

@garrettsuper

@thiswildidea