#writing · Photography · Travel · Uncategorized

Missing Home

it always felt like Home with you.

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Now i’m missing my familiarity. My sense of belonging and comfort. But maybe my home wasn’t right for me.  I guess Only you know.

and there’s nothing I can do to get it back. That’s the worst part.

Scratch that

the worst part is not knowing if you were just using me, to have some company or just another hand to hold, or if you truly did feel something like home and belonging with me. If I was *special* to you.

That. That is the worst part.

WHY?

I want to shout this from the rooftops.

I’ve definitely shouted this in my room.

Why why why why whyw whywhywhyw hwy why whyw whyw hwywhywhywhwy hwywhwywhywhwyw                         why.

It’s probably better off not knowing honestly. Save me from more heartbreak. Now I know to protect myself from men/boys like you. When I get that gut feeling next time, knowing that he won’t ever commit to me, I’ll know to step away.  I will put my hands defiantly out in front of me and say “NO THANK YOU,”

“not this heart. This is not yours for the taking.”

And yeah, maybe I seem insane for writing this. But if you, boy, ever read this, it confirms my suspicions that you actually do still care. And if you don’t, then it confirms my other suspicions that you never did.

For my own sake I hope you don’t read this. Because then it makes perfect sense why you were able to walk away from whatever we had after so many months.

so goodbye to all that

goodbye to the good memories

goodbye to the times when we would barely talk for days at a time and I thought you were mad at me

goodbye to the days i didn’t think i could be any happier

goodbye to the day we met, when I knew I wanted a slice of happiness with you

goodbye to every little bit of being you gave to me.

I give it back to you.

Goodbye.

 

 

#writing · Photography · Travel · Uncategorized

Plants = Happiness

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While living in the dorms, it’s very difficult to keep plants alive. From the horrible sunlight, to a small and cramped room, to leaving for weeks at a time, I’ve tried my best. And they’ve all died. Even the piece of bamboo that was supposed to be good luck..

Since I will be moving into a house this coming school year, I thought it would be best to try my green thumb one more time, or see if it really isn’t there. Thus my succulent garden was born. I started with a cute planter box from Target, and went to Home Depot yesterday to try and find a couple small succulents I like. I was overjoyed to find they had a whole section dedicated to folks like me who obsess over the tiny green plants. And right next to it was my other favorite section: the jungle plants. Small fig tree plants as well as some ferns, I was in heaven. I limited myself though, because I wouldn’t want to waste so much money if they’re just going to die on me.

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So I settled on three of my favorites. A little bit of green and a pop of bright watermelon red. I’m hopeful for their growth. As I am also hopeful for my own personal growth over the summer. This past year I’ve changed so much, but I still feel I can spread my roots farther and grow taller. I have learned to love myself more; that is a daily struggle. I have been learning to find the things that truly make me happy, which are not always the same as others’. I thought I had found some of that happiness in another person, but it seems they did not want to grow in the same way I wanted to.

I have been able to bond with friends over God’s beauty and love, and those are some of the closest relationships I’ve had yet. Buying these succulents and watching them grow might seem boring or insignificant to some, but it’s something I thoroughly enjoy. And it’s a small slice contributing to my daily happiness.

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I will keep you updated on their progress, and leave a comment if you have any tips for watering or fertilizing strategies.

I still need name suggestions!

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@kaetlyn.anne

@krupcake

@dreaming_outloud

#writing · Photography · Travel · Uncategorized

13 Reasons Why . . . And More

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The feel of your hand against mine. The smell of old books as I flip through the pages of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Smiling as the sun peaks through the clouds, bringing life and warmth back into my skin.

I have aspirations for this lifetime. I have moments that I cherish, and reasons why I choose to wake up every day and seek happiness. I seek it. It’s not always found. But I know that it’s right around the corner.

I want to study Vincent van Gogh’s paintings. Roll in the grass and run through huge sunflower fields.  I want to feel as my eardrums split in two and go numb from the sheer volume of thumping concerts. To slow-dance by myself in the living room, as a record slowly turns.

Shopping for bouquets of delicious smelling flowers for my own enjoyment, to laughing at 10pm in the grocery story as friends and I buy the necessary ingredients for chocolate brownies.

Strolling around the pond my grandmother grew up on, listening to her tell me stories of forgotten times. How the cows would wade through the water and snack on the grass; how she and her brother used a horse to pull the “perfect sitting rock” from one side of the pond to the other. She tells me she wonders if it’s still there. One day she will not be around to tell me these stories.

Watching as my brother grows up from the curly-haired three year old who shared his goldfish crackers, to the day his 6′ 2″ frame strides across the stage in cap and gown, graduating from high school.

Snuggling up with my twelve year old dog, breathing in her puppy scent one more time.

These moments make life worth living. There are far more than 13 reasons why life is so wonderful. Life is not perfect. I have had my fair share of challenges, and I know others have had more. But this life is precious, and should be lived fully and wildly and thriving and as a shooting star bursting through the sky.

These are the moments I live for.

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@_annalouise_

@katiemoyer

@emilyblincoe