13 Reasons Why . . . And More

The feel of your hand against mine. The smell of old books as I flip through the pages of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. Smiling as the sun peaks through the clouds, bringing life and warmth back into my skin.

I have aspirations for this lifetime. I have moments that I cherish, and reasons why I choose to wake up every day and seek happiness. I seek it. It’s not always found. But I know that it’s right around the corner.

I want to study Vincent van Gogh’s paintings. Roll in the grass and run through huge sunflower fields.  I want to feel as my eardrums split in two and go numb from the sheer volume of thumping concerts. To slow-dance by myself in the living room, as a record slowly turns.

Shopping for bouquets of delicious smelling flowers for my own enjoyment, to laughing at 10pm in the grocery story as friends and I buy the necessary ingredients for chocolate brownies.

Strolling around the pond my grandmother grew up on, listening to her tell me stories of forgotten times. How the cows would wade through the water and snack on the grass; how she and her brother used a horse to pull the “perfect sitting rock” from one side of the pond to the other. She tells me she wonders if it’s still there. One day she will not be around to tell me these stories.

Watching as my brother grows up from the curly-haired three year old who shared his goldfish crackers, to the day his 6′ 2″ frame strides across the stage in cap and gown, graduating from high school.

Snuggling up with my twelve year old dog, breathing in her puppy scent one more time.

These moments make life worth living. There are far more than 13 reasons why life is so wonderful. Life is not perfect. I have had my fair share of challenges, and I know others have had more. But this life is precious, and should be lived fully and wildly and thriving and as a shooting star bursting through the sky.

These are the moments I live for.

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

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@_annalouise_

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@emilyblincoe

Does Time Heal?

Time seems to stand still while you’re waiting for life to change. You’ll want to freeze time. In this instant, right here right now, because it feels so good. You don’t want it to end. To savor it, ingrain every detail into your mind so you can always come back to it, like it’s never truly over.

Or maybe, you want this time SO DESPERATELY TO BE over. The pain seeps in to you and all you can do is rock with the motion, trembling with agony. Let this be over! To reach out and press the fast forward button, close your eyes and wait until the train hurtles off the tracks.

I want to know what makes time tick. Do the clocks control time? Because time always seems to be going too fast when I’m enjoying pleasant company. The hours tick by like seconds when I’m with the right person. Or I’m driving to something important; time seems to slip between my fingers like slimy glue. I can’t hold it, can’t make it stop.

Time seemed to stop when my parents announced to my brother and I that they were getting a divorce. Everything seemed to stop. That moment is stuck, lodged inside my brain like a piece of lettuce between the teeth. I want to erase it; pick at that piece of lettuce until the taste of the bitter salad has disappeared.

All the tears in my life, pain, suffering, even that time at the junior prom when nobody asked me to slow dance.

I can do without it all.

I will throw away my clocks. I don’t want time to control me.

IG – @grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@_annalouise_

@katiemoyer

@emilyblincoe

Fake Social Media

I often dream that I’m missing out on things.

It always seems that I’m not apart of important conversations, intellectually stimulating moments, or just missing out on people enjoying themselves.

This mainly comes from the persona that comes with social media. It’s literally living life through a lens. Of rose colored glasses. I am constantly opening my phone and pressing my thumb to the social media apps.

Refresh

Refresh

Refresh

There are always new updates of people posting who they’re hanging out with, laughing about a hilarious moment while studying, or their amazing view while traveling. Whether or not I’m consciously thinking about it, I envy them a little.

Ecclesiastes 4:4                                                           And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

This envy or jealousy is not healthy. God has provided everything for me. He has blessed my life in so many ways, but it seems so easy to get caught up in analyzing everyone else’s lives and their blessings. I often catch myself having thoughts such as, “but why can’t I have their blessings? Lucky them!!”

That’s the thing about social media though. People post the good, not the bad. We choose to post the highlights of our life. We want others to see how wonderful certain moments are, so we share those. We don’t see when others are suffering or are in pain. We see their lives through rose-colored glasses.

We need to remind ourselves that everyone is human. Everyone has good and bad days. We cannot put others up on a pedestal, believing that they’re perfect or close to it. Sometimes it is so difficult to imagine that everyone else is constantly thinking, having conscious thoughts, just as I do. They watch me as I cross the campus, have a thought about me possibly, and then move on with their day. They plan out their schedule for their week, work on studying for exams or projects, and have extracurriculars. It is insane to think that everyone is that complex. But it’s true. Everyone is. With that being said, we’re all just human.

“What a treacherous thing to believe that a person is more than a person.” – John Green

Overall, I’ve learned that I’m not missing out on the things I thought were so great. Often, it’s more boring than I could’ve ever imagined. So don’t worry if you see others laughing in a snapchat video, or an image of a group of friends out on a Saturday. It might’ve been staged, and those smiles could be fake.

Keep living life to make yourself happy. Post the things that bring you joy. I love social media too, and am constantly on it. Just remember that everyone else is posting the “good”, and that there’s more to life, including your own, than those social media apps.

IG – grateful.grace

Grace

Current IG Favorites –

@nathanaelbillings

@katiemoyer

@thequickjourney

Am I alone?

College. In those six letters an idea has popped in to your head. Whether that be partying at a frat house, meeting a ton of new friends in classes and the dorm rooms, to kissing a random guy you just met. There’s a ton of scenarios that could’ve ran through your head, but they’ll all include one thing: people. College is all about expanding your horizons and meeting new people, finding out new things about yourself and realizing that there are so many different perspectives in the world.

As a current college sophomore, I must tell you, I did not have the “typical” freshman year. It was not weekends filled with parties and mornings groaning because my head was pounding. It’s hard making friends that don’t want to do the typical party scene. People in my hall – the loud ones – were the ones that went out, so I didn’t see the girls that were choosing to stay in, because they were already hidden in their rooms, or had gone to friends’ rooms to do the same thing. In class I would sit by someone new, sure, and introduce myself. But sometimes it wouldn’t get very far past a polite conversation about where they’re from, or what the homework was for the class.

Eventually I met a few girls who liked staying in. But some of them like to go back home on weekends, one of them transferred schools after a semester, and another has other friends she likes to hang out with. I didn’t want to start clinging to anyone; it wasn’t like I had claim to them. We have only been friends for such a short period of time. So there are some times that I would just sit in my room on weekends, my roommate would be out, and there I would be, deciding on whether or not to watch netflix, clean my room, or just go to bed. It wasn’t a very happy time in my life.

So now I’m a sophomore. Things should be different, right? I should’ve made a whole bunch of friends, have one or two best friends who I could tell anything to, that sort of thing. Well…that’s not exactly the case. Yes I know more people. Yes I feel more comfortable with myself than ever before. But the fact of the matter is, I still don’t want to go out and party. And at my school, it’s a little uncommon to not want to.

I’m the type of girl who wants to stay in and learn Alphabet Aerobics by Blacklicious. (Hey, if Harry Potter can do it, why not give it a shot?) I’m the type of girl who wants to stay in and watch Youtube videos to try and learn more songs to play on my ukulele. I’m the type of girl who wants to stay in to work on perfecting my bullet journal. I’m the type of girl who wants to stay in to be able to wake up early enough to go to the local farmer’s market. I’m the type of girl who wants to stay in to go watch the stars as they unapologetically shine for the world. I’m happy with who I am. Truly. I just wish sometimes that I didn’t feel so alone.

I’m always looking forward to my future, leaving college, getting married one day, having my own kids; and maybe I get wrapped up in it too much. But I know that I am not for the typical college scene. There’s more for me out there. It’s just not very fun to me. This year it is my goal to meet more people who share my interests. Because nights like these when my roommate leaves to go meet some friends who enjoy going out, and I’m in my room, deciding whether to re-watch Friends for the 6th time or start the new season of Young & Hungry, I feel alone. I feel like I’m the only one who feels like this. I know I’m not. But it doesn’t help when I don’t physically see those others who also feel alone.

In the end though, I know I’m not alone. God is always with me. It may not help much sometimes, but it is reassuring. One thing I’ve always heard is that God has 3 answers to your prayers: “Yes,” “Not yet,” or “I have something better in mind.” When I’m praying to God, asking for him to bring amazing people in to my life who know his overwhelming grace and goodness, I know that He is giving me one of those three answers. I may feel alone at times, but God always walks ahead, next to, behind, and with me. He’s there to listen to me and understand my pain. I’ll leave you with this verse.

 

Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, 
for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you."